The In-between
My friend Tara suggested that I blog between shows. There hasn't been a lot of in-between for me in the past three years. I have kept myself busy, and I am very fortunate to have a community of theatre artists who want to work with me to keep me working.
Three years is significant. Three years ago right now, I was at the Rubicon doing Moonlight and Magnolias with some of my best friends in the world. It is honestly one of the highlights of my professional career. Also, my dad was dying.
He died between performances. On a Saturday. I wasn't there. For him.
Cy and Joel were there for me onstage that night. As was Steph in the house, even though she was sick as a dog.
I came back and jumped into a fun project with some friends at "The 6th Act." We did a Shakespeare mashup in a bar written and directed by Matthew Leavitt. I was grieving, and also the Presidential election happened during that time which didn't help, but the escape from reality and support I got from that group was much needed.
I took off a bit of time after that to go clean out my parents' house and bury my dad. It was a blur.
That's the last time I took a break without knowing what was coming next. As it turns out, a lot came next.
This next bit is just shows I did if you want to skip down to the meat of this blog:
I went from project to project, usually overlapping rehearsals for one with performances for the one before.
Macbeth Revisited, Dinner With Friends, Macbeth, The Taming of the Shrew and then back to the Rubicon for Taking Sides filled up the next year. There was going to be a brief break after Taking Sides and before the February start of Balcony Scene, but friend Tara (who has become my de-facto manager) told me to audition for Picasso at the Lapin Agile. Which I did, and got cast with some really wonderful people. After Balcony Scene, I went into rehearsal for The Winter's Tale (which may be the most wonderful show I've ever done). As that ended, I was rehearsing Bloody Poetry, while I was also offered the lead role in Measure for Measure.
During the run of Bloody Poetry, my best friend in the world died of Cancer. I don't remember much from that production. (Cy and I had a really great scene on a gondola, and our AC at Little Fish got stolen. The rest is a blur). I was looking forward to getting my mind off of my life and doing "Measure," but I noticed the production dates conflicted with Keith's wake. So, I had to back out. Except I didn't, because they changed it and gave us that weekend off. Much of "Measure" is a blur to me as well, but I am glad I did it. After that, the same lovely folks who cast me in "Picasso," wanted me for The Three Musketeers. That was a delight. I then thought I would take a break, but the day before auditions for The Country House, I emailed my friend, Holly, who was directing and asked to come in. I'm glad I did, as that show was also awesome. I also directed a group of one act plays with some of my best friends and wife for Valentine's Day. And I directed and acted in a staged reading of Uncle Vanya. Then I did Henry V all this summer. And I am about to start another production of Macbeth (playing Banquo this time). I also did fight choreo for all the Shakespeare and for The Lonesome West which is playing right now. (I nearly auditioned for that too, but my body said: "enough" after this summer).
So, in the three years since my dad died, I haven't stopped. That's like 18 productions. That's a lot. But it was all necessary.
Because (and here is the whole reason for this blog) without an audience, what am I?
I'm a struggling actor. Sure, I work a lot. But, I don't make enough money. I love my family to death, but still I find myself lacking because I'm not providing for them all that they deserve. I feel like a failure. When I'm not actively playing somebody else onstage, I'm failing at being my best self. I have anxiety and depression. I am overwhelmed with grief. I wonder what the point is in anything I've done. Seriously, would it have mattered if I hadn't done any of those roles over the last three years (or the last 30)? Would anybody have missed me? Would it have made a difference in the play? To the audience?
This is Patrick in the In-between.
And maybe this is all actors. Maybe this is universal.
Obviously, I'm very fortunate to work as much as I do. I get that. And I appreciate it! My friend Peter, during Taking Sides, told me that there were people who would kill to be in my place. That there are many more people behind me than in front of me in this crazy business. I carry that with me. It helps.
And my friend Matt and my Lady Macbeth (Melissa) are writing a screenplay with me. This came out of these last three years. Of course, my dark Eeyore-like mind tells me that even if I get it made, nobody will care and it won't matter. And then I catch myself in my imagination accepting some award and trying to thank everybody...only my Mom and Dad and best friend are all dead...and then I spiral and think what a fucking joke it is to fantasize about being successful.
And so, here I am. Blogging. Hopefully it will resonate with some people. And maybe give you the same comfort Peter's words gave me.
Anyway, the next time I blog, it will be about Banquo. And it will be a lot happier, because I will be him and not me in the In-Between.
Three years is significant. Three years ago right now, I was at the Rubicon doing Moonlight and Magnolias with some of my best friends in the world. It is honestly one of the highlights of my professional career. Also, my dad was dying.
He died between performances. On a Saturday. I wasn't there. For him.
Cy and Joel were there for me onstage that night. As was Steph in the house, even though she was sick as a dog.
I came back and jumped into a fun project with some friends at "The 6th Act." We did a Shakespeare mashup in a bar written and directed by Matthew Leavitt. I was grieving, and also the Presidential election happened during that time which didn't help, but the escape from reality and support I got from that group was much needed.
I took off a bit of time after that to go clean out my parents' house and bury my dad. It was a blur.
That's the last time I took a break without knowing what was coming next. As it turns out, a lot came next.
This next bit is just shows I did if you want to skip down to the meat of this blog:
I went from project to project, usually overlapping rehearsals for one with performances for the one before.
Macbeth Revisited, Dinner With Friends, Macbeth, The Taming of the Shrew and then back to the Rubicon for Taking Sides filled up the next year. There was going to be a brief break after Taking Sides and before the February start of Balcony Scene, but friend Tara (who has become my de-facto manager) told me to audition for Picasso at the Lapin Agile. Which I did, and got cast with some really wonderful people. After Balcony Scene, I went into rehearsal for The Winter's Tale (which may be the most wonderful show I've ever done). As that ended, I was rehearsing Bloody Poetry, while I was also offered the lead role in Measure for Measure.
During the run of Bloody Poetry, my best friend in the world died of Cancer. I don't remember much from that production. (Cy and I had a really great scene on a gondola, and our AC at Little Fish got stolen. The rest is a blur). I was looking forward to getting my mind off of my life and doing "Measure," but I noticed the production dates conflicted with Keith's wake. So, I had to back out. Except I didn't, because they changed it and gave us that weekend off. Much of "Measure" is a blur to me as well, but I am glad I did it. After that, the same lovely folks who cast me in "Picasso," wanted me for The Three Musketeers. That was a delight. I then thought I would take a break, but the day before auditions for The Country House, I emailed my friend, Holly, who was directing and asked to come in. I'm glad I did, as that show was also awesome. I also directed a group of one act plays with some of my best friends and wife for Valentine's Day. And I directed and acted in a staged reading of Uncle Vanya. Then I did Henry V all this summer. And I am about to start another production of Macbeth (playing Banquo this time). I also did fight choreo for all the Shakespeare and for The Lonesome West which is playing right now. (I nearly auditioned for that too, but my body said: "enough" after this summer).
So, in the three years since my dad died, I haven't stopped. That's like 18 productions. That's a lot. But it was all necessary.
Because (and here is the whole reason for this blog) without an audience, what am I?
I'm a struggling actor. Sure, I work a lot. But, I don't make enough money. I love my family to death, but still I find myself lacking because I'm not providing for them all that they deserve. I feel like a failure. When I'm not actively playing somebody else onstage, I'm failing at being my best self. I have anxiety and depression. I am overwhelmed with grief. I wonder what the point is in anything I've done. Seriously, would it have mattered if I hadn't done any of those roles over the last three years (or the last 30)? Would anybody have missed me? Would it have made a difference in the play? To the audience?
This is Patrick in the In-between.
And maybe this is all actors. Maybe this is universal.
Obviously, I'm very fortunate to work as much as I do. I get that. And I appreciate it! My friend Peter, during Taking Sides, told me that there were people who would kill to be in my place. That there are many more people behind me than in front of me in this crazy business. I carry that with me. It helps.
And my friend Matt and my Lady Macbeth (Melissa) are writing a screenplay with me. This came out of these last three years. Of course, my dark Eeyore-like mind tells me that even if I get it made, nobody will care and it won't matter. And then I catch myself in my imagination accepting some award and trying to thank everybody...only my Mom and Dad and best friend are all dead...and then I spiral and think what a fucking joke it is to fantasize about being successful.
And so, here I am. Blogging. Hopefully it will resonate with some people. And maybe give you the same comfort Peter's words gave me.
Anyway, the next time I blog, it will be about Banquo. And it will be a lot happier, because I will be him and not me in the In-Between.
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