The in-between part 2
This has been the longest time between acting in plays for me in the last 20 years. Sure, I did a one act in the winter, but that doesn't really count. I mean, I loved it and got to work with my artistic father (Jack Stehlin) and one of my dearest friends (Jade Sealey). But it wasn't really a process, and it was a 10 minute play. It was a nice diversion from the hell that is this country right now, but it wasn't exactly life changing. But I do make a good rodeo bull. Maybe that's my central casting.
I've been going through this in-between for a long time. Hell, since last posting, my friend who I was supposed to work with but couldn't for financial reasons won't even talk to me. But I did what is necessary. There is nothing more important to me than my family. Hell, I would have killed myself long ago if I didn't have them. Life has been pretty much a shit show since 2016. Lots of sickness, death, eviction, and loss. But I stay strong for my kids. My eldest is in a fight too. Olivia now wants to be called Alex. She is still not sure where she falls on the gender spectrum. She is still fine with she/her, but doesn't want to make any commitments. I feel like if I have any purpose on this planet it may be to be her father. Because I only want her to be happy. Even when she becomes them, and eventually him. If that's where we are headed. It's hard to communicate with her. She hasn't hugged us for more than 6 years. It has been a one way relationship for as long as I can remember. But I love her so much that I'm still fucking here. And Eleanor seems to have been our miracle baby six years ago just to give us all the hugs that we lacked. But that has issues too. Annie and I haven't had a conversation for more than two sentences without being interrupted in three years. We are virtual strangers trying to raise completely opposite children for more than half a decade now.
And I haven't had a break. And by break, I mean I haven't been able to work as an actor since August. I need to get into a rehearsal room and get out of myself and into a character created by a playwright in a world not quite so horrible as this one.
I am currently choreographing the violence in the next show at the Rubicon ("Never Not Once"). It's a job I tried to turn down because of the subject matter. It's about a rape baby, trying to find her birth father. I suggested a female fight choreographer, but when that wasn't going to happen, I said I would do it, because at least it would be somebody careful with the subject matter. And I am glad to have the work. I adore the director, Katharine Farmer. The cast is amazing. The play is beautiful. The violence is the climax of the play and so I have to make it count. I still get imposter syndrome choreographing fights. My mentor, Jason Armit, would be so much better. As would so many great fight makers that I have worked with. But I do think I am really good at taking what is in the script and what the director wants and what the actors are capable of and devising stage violence. It is the most collaborative part of this collaborative art form. It's not like dance choreo where you know moves and are expected to perform them in a certain order. It's funny that I can fight but can't dance for a damn. Although related, they are really different. It helps to be able to move. But Fighting onstage is the purest form of storytelling there is. It's also pure Stanislavski. Clear objective, obstacle, and action. That's how I try to put fights together. As a story. And I have done it enough that I know how to make any changes work for the director's vision.
I just left Facebook today. I still have the actor's page where I will post this. But FB is adding to the ugliness of this world. Being a sensitive human in this time is painful. I care about babies in cages. I care about the atrocities being committed by our country at our own borders. I care about the rule of law. That seems to make me a very weak person in this climate. And I don't have a night job of losing myself if a role to get out of this person I am right now. And it sucks.
My best friend, Keith, is dead. I used to share all of this with him. We would write 20 page letters to one another and then we would play WoW or EQ and talk shit out. But he's dead. And now I have nobody who can handle all of this. It's not a slight on the amazing family and friends that I have, but rather an acknowledgement of his amazing capacity to get me. And understand me. And tolerate me. And translate the world for me. And be there for me on a level that nobody else can.
I was supposed to be the one who died early and in pain. That was my thing!
I've lost more body parts and been in the hospital more than most people my age.
Why did he have to go?
It should have been me.
So, now to not be so fatalistic, here are some action steps I am taking. I am auditioning for the next show at the Rubicon I am poised to also knock two bucket list plays off my list this year in Richard III and Rabbit Hole. I am still working on a screenplay with some lovely friends that I hope to get made, and I am trying to be the best parent I can be for my children. That seems to be a whole shitload of things worth living for.
And I pray that the country gets a conscience and gets rid of the current president who is destroying so much of what we stand for. I will continue to do what I can to educate, but Facebook seems like the worst place to do that.
The in-between is a rough place to be. I haven't spent a lot of time here over my lifetime but have spent far too much time here this year. And I don't have my parents or Keith. And it's a fucking struggle getting up every day.
I've been going through this in-between for a long time. Hell, since last posting, my friend who I was supposed to work with but couldn't for financial reasons won't even talk to me. But I did what is necessary. There is nothing more important to me than my family. Hell, I would have killed myself long ago if I didn't have them. Life has been pretty much a shit show since 2016. Lots of sickness, death, eviction, and loss. But I stay strong for my kids. My eldest is in a fight too. Olivia now wants to be called Alex. She is still not sure where she falls on the gender spectrum. She is still fine with she/her, but doesn't want to make any commitments. I feel like if I have any purpose on this planet it may be to be her father. Because I only want her to be happy. Even when she becomes them, and eventually him. If that's where we are headed. It's hard to communicate with her. She hasn't hugged us for more than 6 years. It has been a one way relationship for as long as I can remember. But I love her so much that I'm still fucking here. And Eleanor seems to have been our miracle baby six years ago just to give us all the hugs that we lacked. But that has issues too. Annie and I haven't had a conversation for more than two sentences without being interrupted in three years. We are virtual strangers trying to raise completely opposite children for more than half a decade now.
And I haven't had a break. And by break, I mean I haven't been able to work as an actor since August. I need to get into a rehearsal room and get out of myself and into a character created by a playwright in a world not quite so horrible as this one.
I am currently choreographing the violence in the next show at the Rubicon ("Never Not Once"). It's a job I tried to turn down because of the subject matter. It's about a rape baby, trying to find her birth father. I suggested a female fight choreographer, but when that wasn't going to happen, I said I would do it, because at least it would be somebody careful with the subject matter. And I am glad to have the work. I adore the director, Katharine Farmer. The cast is amazing. The play is beautiful. The violence is the climax of the play and so I have to make it count. I still get imposter syndrome choreographing fights. My mentor, Jason Armit, would be so much better. As would so many great fight makers that I have worked with. But I do think I am really good at taking what is in the script and what the director wants and what the actors are capable of and devising stage violence. It is the most collaborative part of this collaborative art form. It's not like dance choreo where you know moves and are expected to perform them in a certain order. It's funny that I can fight but can't dance for a damn. Although related, they are really different. It helps to be able to move. But Fighting onstage is the purest form of storytelling there is. It's also pure Stanislavski. Clear objective, obstacle, and action. That's how I try to put fights together. As a story. And I have done it enough that I know how to make any changes work for the director's vision.
I just left Facebook today. I still have the actor's page where I will post this. But FB is adding to the ugliness of this world. Being a sensitive human in this time is painful. I care about babies in cages. I care about the atrocities being committed by our country at our own borders. I care about the rule of law. That seems to make me a very weak person in this climate. And I don't have a night job of losing myself if a role to get out of this person I am right now. And it sucks.
My best friend, Keith, is dead. I used to share all of this with him. We would write 20 page letters to one another and then we would play WoW or EQ and talk shit out. But he's dead. And now I have nobody who can handle all of this. It's not a slight on the amazing family and friends that I have, but rather an acknowledgement of his amazing capacity to get me. And understand me. And tolerate me. And translate the world for me. And be there for me on a level that nobody else can.
I was supposed to be the one who died early and in pain. That was my thing!
I've lost more body parts and been in the hospital more than most people my age.
Why did he have to go?
It should have been me.
So, now to not be so fatalistic, here are some action steps I am taking. I am auditioning for the next show at the Rubicon I am poised to also knock two bucket list plays off my list this year in Richard III and Rabbit Hole. I am still working on a screenplay with some lovely friends that I hope to get made, and I am trying to be the best parent I can be for my children. That seems to be a whole shitload of things worth living for.
And I pray that the country gets a conscience and gets rid of the current president who is destroying so much of what we stand for. I will continue to do what I can to educate, but Facebook seems like the worst place to do that.
The in-between is a rough place to be. I haven't spent a lot of time here over my lifetime but have spent far too much time here this year. And I don't have my parents or Keith. And it's a fucking struggle getting up every day.
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